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The Evolution of Gray

There are times I look back on my writing career and it strikes me how different a person I was when I wrote my first book, and even my third. It might be overly introspective, but I feel like a completely different person than I was four years ago when I started this journey. Nearly each and everyone one of my books was written to get me through something, and King Consort was no different. Even through the evolution of the books I’ve written in the last six months I’ve changed and grown and realized things about myself. Forsaken was about letting go of the previous year, and a lot of stuff I’d been dealing with my entire life in my relationship with my family. Then I had half of Capital Offense to finish, and I needed it as much as I needed to write Legally Bound when I wrote it. Writing Bound Five was as much about realizing some relationships are worth fighting for as it was about finding light, which won’t make sense until you’ve read the book so just take my word for it.

I’ve said it many times, writing is a kind of therapy to me, and I put feelings and emotions into the books I write. Each and every one has a part of my soul infused in the characters. Some of them are even me getting to know myself better and exploring things I won’t say out loud. They are a view into my own personal therapy sessions with myself, the reader will never be able to make sense of. Although, the people who know me well I’m sure can read between the lines of parts, and are probably oblivious to others and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I don’t think I could do it any differently either. I’m a closed off bastard, preferring to speak to my computer than anyone real.

So when I look back, it’s like an evolution of myself and at times I feel like the person who wrote some of those books is a stranger. But I felt those things, and I worked through those feelings, and I left them in ink to get them off my soul. I truly don’t carry them anymore. It’s a way to leave things behind and let go, find closure in parts of my life. I’ve always believed life is about evolving and learning from past actions. Recreating yourself to find the best version. I can’t say I’ve learned from all my mistakes, but I try. I don’t want to be stagnant. I want to do better, and live better, and create better. I told myself at the beginning of 2018 this year was about being happy.

King Consort was about finding my happy again. I wanted to fall in love, and I wanted to feel that love, and I wanted even impossible love to be possible. It was a love letter of sorts. I wanted love to be my focus and my happy, and I think King Consort will always be one of my favorite of my books for that reason.

I’m sitting in Starbucks reflecting on love and loss, listening to Fall Out Boy, what else would it be? I came to the conclusion I made the right decision. Maybe that’s why I’m struggling writing the book I’m working on (with a deadline no less) but maybe I’m struggling because it’s not the book I need to be writing at the point I’m at right now.

Even this is something I’m putting into words to process the thought in my head.

I’ll leave you with some Fall Out Boy which fits my mood: Some princes don’t become kings. Even at the best times I’m out of my mind. You only get what you grieve. Which also happens to be one of the songs I listened to while writing a lot of King Consort.

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