No straight line to where I want to be.
It’s dark for like the sixth week in a row, and I have no motivation to do anything. I didn’t even blog the last two weeks because I’ve been empty and it’s frustrating. Writing has only been coming in small burst, inconsistent and infrequent little drips and drops. It’s always raining in my head, but for some reason, I can’t get the words onto paper. I feel like creativity has abandoned me. I have been editing my own work quite a bit, which adds to my struggling to write, but I also think it’s the weather. The only day I felt like writing was the day it was bright and sunny and I spent a good part of it outside. I ended up with a good sunburn from it too, but the sun and the air breathed new life into me. I try to blog every week, but those take time to write and build and post and I’m trying to find a balance between blogging and writing because blogging obviously is not my bread and butter.
It’s raining again outside. I’m watching the water roll down the street as I sit in my car trying to write. Because of various reasons I’ve barely slept the last two weeks Maybe three? I’m not even sure what day it is. So I feel like a failure. I feel like I’ve barely accomplished what I want to get done this month, and that I need to work harder to reach my goals. But I’m tired. I’ve always been an insomniac, but it’s hard when you want to sleep and keep getting woken up. I deal easier with not being able to sleep.
I like to get up and write before my kids are awake Usually I like to be out of bed at 5 and writing by about 515-520. The last two weeks it just hasn’t happened. Life, kids, storms, insomnia, and even wonderful joint pain because cold and rain equal autoimmune flair, so even when I’d go to bed dead tired earlier than I normally go even, I’d not get to sleep long. I tried to make up for the amount of work I did during the rest of the day, but as most parents know, between households things, driving kids, and normal things it’s hard to fit in time, and my kids never leave. So they are around all the time. I used to foolishly think that as my kids got older I would have more time to write. More time where they entertained themselves and left me in peace. If anyone has experienced this I’m jealous, because I swear I had so much more time to write when they were little. They took glorious naps, and they used to go to school. Now they are homeschooled because I’m a little insane and well in my face 24/7.
I feel like a failure this week. Do you ever feel like a failure? I am harder on myself than anyone else will ever be, but I also have this tiny voice in my head that tells me I should be doing more, writing faster. Not blankly staring at social media instead of getting things done. But somedays I don’t have the brain power to create. Or maybe that’s just an excuse I use to be lazy. I’m at war with myself. At war between go a little easier on myself and give myself a break and do what I do when I’m working out and tell myself tired is just the excuse, my brain is using to try to get me to stop.
So here is my life update, and a blog post, explaining why I’ve been shit at blogging and posting to Instagram. I’ve been here, pretty much a zombie with too much to do and not enough brain power, but I’m working on it. There is no straight line to where we want to be.